who has your back now

June 13, 2021

who has your back now
Have you asked yourself lately who has your back in the world? How it feels or what it looks like?
Sometimes simply being human requires our full attention. When adding the commitments we make, goals we set, debts we occur and relationships we keep, amidst restrictive requirements of a pandemic, we are spent before the start line. If we forget that we are not alone, the weight of this throws us off our balance.
I left Manhattan this week to visit a friend outside the city. After the sweltering humid temperatures bake the concrete to create a full sauna, the thirty minute drive was an unexpected dream. We arrived to a green garden under a canopy of mature trees where the cardinals, starlings and robins are louder than the horns and sirens of NY’s city streets. This came as an invitation to retreat.
During the first morning’s meditation I observed myself as a flower bud, wound too tightly to blossom, as if it took all I had in me to just be the bud. There was no energy or courage in me to cross the vulnerable threshold to let go and allow blossoming to occur. It felt as if life had spray glued my petals closed. At this same moment I realized that I was amidst a vast meadow of other stuck buds, all as consumed with fulfilling every demand and nuance of a bud’s requirements.
It was a powerful vision that filled me with such compassion and tenderness for us all. How did we get here? Sometimes I think that the responsibilities we hold and even cherish, can hold us back from our own freedom to enjoy them if not managed properly. If we are able to relax, we can surrender to trust. This is where blossoming can actualize. 
In order to surrender to trust, there must be a sense of safety. If you were to imagine yourself in a free fall, what would catch you? Who would catch you? Do you have a sense that the Universe will support you, a deity, goddess or guru? Do you have a spirit guide or perhaps your ancestors have created that net to break the fall. Maybe you are aligned strongly with your inner source and sense only freedom in a free fall. Then what would you fall into? A billowing cloud, a mound of fresh cut grass, a pool of water softening to embrace you or perhaps a heap of freshly plucked cotton balls. I have been exercising this visual these last few days, and find it very nurturing.
Years ago when my children were young, we were visiting friends at their cottage. We greeted Saturday morning gently, enjoying the song of the Lune on the lake, the sun rising over the pine forest and the aroma of morning coffee. My friend called my boys into the living room where we were sitting. He wanted to explain to them the accolades of their mom. Ahh, how sweet. My friend was inspired. As he went on in details of what he thought I had accomplished in carving out a creative path, he described me as someone who climbed and danced on the highest branches in trust and beauty with no safety net. His sentiment was remarkably touching until ‘no safety net’ echoed in my head. Wait, what? I have no safety net? This statement messed me up for months to come. 
The truth was that he came from the safety net of a wealthy family. He had lots of ambitions but feared taking any chances because he knew what he had to lose. This was not my case. Never in my life before this did I think of having or not having a safety net. I was raised the eighth child of a village barber. We had nothing but love and a will for kindness that would make life worthwhile. I sat long and hard on this and came to realize that the Universe has always had my back and would always send whatever face of love that was needed to catch my fall. If it didn't, it was due to nothing but my brilliant self sabotage.
I think it’s important to spend time communing with our source, whatever it is. It will provide the exhale in breathing, the strength to be vulnerable and the courage to be free. 
wishing you a week of rejoicing in life's best juice. You deserve it.
x Gisele

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